1. People in pain
They really just want to be heard. They want validation that what they are going through is difficult.
Here are some examples of what this sounds like:
“I’m sorry you are going through this.”
“That must be hard.”
“That sounds really challenging.”
“I can see how that would be difficult.”
2. Share how you feel.
Sometimes, it’s okay to simply admit you don’t know what to say or that you’re having a hard time imagining what it would be like to experience what the other person is going through. Whatever you do, just make sure you don’t diminish the other person’s experience or make it all about you. Instead, focus on sharing your feelings to help you better connect with theirs. Here are some examples of what this could sound like:
“I can’t imagine what you must be going through.”
“I wish I could make it better.”
“My heart hurts for you.”
“It makes me really sad to hear this happened.”
“I’m sorry I made you feel that way”
3. Show gratitude that the person opened up.
Many people struggle with vulnerability because they have been burned before. They don’t want to share their struggles for fear that they won’t receive an empathetic response. I definitely felt that way for a long time. When someone chooses to open up to you, it shows they really trust you. It’s your job to honor that and respond with care. Let the person know you appreciate her sharing with you and acknowledge that it might have been difficult to do so. When you do this, it signals that you are a safe harbor for vulnerability. Here’s what these responses might sound like:
“Thank you for sharing with me.”
“I’m glad you told me.”
“Thank you for trusting me with this. That really means a lot.”
“This must be hard to talk about. Thanks for opening up to me.”
4. Show interest.
Going through difficulties can be terribly isolating and lonely. That’s why people share their struggles-they are longing for connection. They want someone to take interest in their story and understand how they are feeling. The best way to connect with someone is not by talking, but by listening. Show you care by asking questions and showing a genuine interest in what they have to say. Here’s what that sounds like:
“How are you feeling about everything?”
“What has this been like for you?”
“I want to make sure I understand…”
“What I’m hearing is that you are feeling _ Is that right?”
“Is there anything else you want to share?”
5. Be supportive.
When it comes to empathy, actions often speak louder than words. You can show you care by giving a hug, sending flowers, writing a handwritten note or offering to mow the lawn or do the laundry. When you do these things, it helps the other person feel loved and supported. But, if you’re looking for something to say, here are some ways to articulate that you care:
“I’m here for you.”
“How can I help you?”
“What do you need right now?”
“I’m happy to listen any time.”
“I would like to do _ for you.”
Here’s a list of empathy statements to have handy at all times.
- You’re making total sense.
- I cannot imagine how you feel.
- The world needs to stop when you’re in this much pain.
- I wish you didn’t have to go through that.
- I’m on your side here.
- I wish I could have been with you in that moment.
- Oh, wow, that sounds terrible.
- You must feel so helpless.
- That hurts me to hear that.
- I support your position here.
- I totally agree with you.
- You are feeling so trapped!
- You are making total sense.
- That sounds like you felt really disgusted!
- No wonder you’re upset.
- I’d feel the same way you do in your situation.
- I think you’re right.
- I see. Let me summarize: What you’re thinking here is…
- You are in a lot of pain here. I can feel it.
- It would be great to be free of this.
- That must have annoyed you.
- That sounds infuriating.
- That sounds frustrating.
- That is very scary.
- Well I agree with most of what you’re saying.
- I would have also been disappointed by that.
- That would have hurt my feelings also.
- That would make me sad too.
- POOR BABY!
- Wow, that must have hurt.
- You are making a lot of sense to me.
- Okay, I think I get it. So what you’re feeling is…
- Let me try to paraphrase and summarize what you’re saying. You’re saying…
- I would have trouble coping with that.
- What I admire most about what you’re doing is…
- That would make me feel insecure.
- That sounds a little frightening.
- Tell me what you see as your choices here.